{"title":"Hippo","description":"\u003cp\u003eThe hippo eats grass. That's the whole diet — sixty pounds of it a night, torn up by a jaw that can also close on a canoe and not notice the difference. Nobody warns you about the vegetarian. That's the joke evolution's been telling for four million years.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThe teeth aren't for chewing. They're tusks, up to two feet of curved ivory grown purely for arguments with other hippos, and the loser sometimes doesn't walk home. It can't really swim — it runs along riverbeds, weightless and furious, three tons of it moving like a held breath. On land it still outruns a man.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThe Egyptians made a goddess of it, Taweret, guardian of childbirth, and then carved their god of chaos wearing its face. They never picked a side. Its sweat runs red, thick as a wound, and for centuries people swore it bled through its skin. It doesn't. It's sunscreen. The blood was never real. The reputation was.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eYou've met this before, in someone quiet who ate the same lunch every day for a decade and once ended a bar fight without standing up. Grass-fed. Still the most dangerous thing in the water.\u003c\/p\u003e","products":[{"product_id":"howling-hippo-tee","title":"Hippo - T-shirt (unisex)","description":"\u003ch3\u003eAbout the garment\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis is a Comfort Colors 1717, built from 100% ring-spun cotton at 6.1 oz. The garment-dye process means the color settles in soft and lived-in right out of the bag. The fit is relaxed and unisex, with a twill-taped neck and shoulders that hold their shape. Every shirt is printed one at a time, to order.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e100% ring-spun cotton, 6.1 oz\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eGarment-dyed, so the colour is soft and lived-in from the first wear\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eRelaxed unisex fit, with a twill-taped neck and shoulders\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ePrinted one at a time, to order\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\u003ch3\u003eAbout the design\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cp\u003eHippos kill more people in Africa each year than lions do. Not from starvation or desperation — from territory. A single bull can close a river mouth in seconds, jaws opening past ninety degrees, tusks the length of a forearm doing the arguing. The body reads as slow and comic: barrel-shaped, water-logged, harmless. On land it clears twenty miles an hour, faster than the average human sprint, and does not slow down to argue.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThe Egyptians carved hippos as gods, supposedly guarding the underworld and the newly dead from things worse than themselves. This one's just guarding the moon. Do not let the shape fool you twice.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Printify","offers":[{"title":"Pepper \/ S","offer_id":58845274800392,"sku":"68326635749089293722","price":29.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Pepper \/ M","offer_id":58748230271240,"sku":"24714038813288914507","price":29.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Pepper \/ L","offer_id":58748230304008,"sku":"95682191476574902576","price":29.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Pepper \/ XL","offer_id":58748230336776,"sku":"33428077903503712092","price":29.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Pepper \/ 2XL","offer_id":58748230369544,"sku":"29042318182056738255","price":29.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Pepper \/ 3XL","offer_id":58748230402312,"sku":"22021280292738356099","price":29.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1056\/9288\/9352\/files\/15052565823532359096_2048.jpg?v=1789660228"},{"product_id":"howling-hippo-longsleeve","title":"Hippo - Long Sleeve (unisex)","description":"\u003ch3\u003eAbout the garment\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis is printed on a Comfort Colors 6014 long sleeve: 100% ring-spun cotton at 6.1 oz, garment-dyed for a soft, lived-in colour from the first wear. The fit is relaxed and unisex, with ribbed cuffs and a twill-taped neck and shoulders. Each shirt is printed one at a time, to order.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e100% ring-spun cotton, 6.1 oz\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eGarment-dyed, so the colour is soft and lived-in from the first wear\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eRelaxed unisex fit, with ribbed cuffs and a twill-taped neck and shoulders\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ePrinted one at a time, to order\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\u003ch3\u003eAbout the design\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cp\u003eHippos kill more people in Africa each year than lions do. Three tons of muscle wrapped in a barrel body, a mouth that unhinges wider than a doorframe, ivory tusks longer than a man's forearm. It grazes at dusk, alone, calm, and utterly certain of its own reach.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eOn land it looks slow and clumsy. It is neither — a hippo can outrun a sprinter and vanish across a riverbed without a ripple. They say the Egyptians carved it as Set, the god of chaos, because nothing else moved through water like something that shouldn't exist. Cold moonlight finds it howling anyway, ash and ice against black. Laugh once, and you will remember why nobody laughs twice.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Printify","offers":[{"title":"S \/ Pepper","offer_id":58748230697224,"sku":"16829204669994453436","price":39.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"M \/ Pepper","offer_id":58748230729992,"sku":"32235001157627323606","price":39.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"L \/ Pepper","offer_id":58748230762760,"sku":"47284117255453618136","price":39.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XL \/ Pepper","offer_id":58748230795528,"sku":"16508535069852620097","price":39.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"2XL \/ Pepper","offer_id":58748230828296,"sku":"33864394319817761669","price":39.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1056\/9288\/9352\/files\/9654111896696775127_2048.jpg?v=1789659616"},{"product_id":"howling-hippo-sweatshirt","title":"Hippo - Sweatshirt (unisex)","description":"\u003ch3\u003eAbout the garment\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis sweatshirt is built on Comfort Colors 1566, an 80\/20 ring-spun cotton and polyester fleece blend with a 100% cotton face. It's garment-dyed to match its companion tee, so a set looks like a set. The fit is a relaxed unisex crewneck with ribbed cuffs and waistband. Each one is printed one at a time, to order.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e80\/20 ring-spun cotton and polyester fleece, with a 100% cotton face\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eGarment-dyed to match the t-shirt, so a set looks like a set\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eRelaxed unisex crewneck, with ribbed cuffs and waistband\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ePrinted one at a time, to order\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\u003ch3\u003eAbout the design\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cp\u003eThe hippo kills more people across Africa each year than lions, crocodiles, and elephants combined. Its canines run past a foot long, honed razor-thin by grinding against each other every time it opens its mouth to yawn. A bull marks territory by spinning its tail to fling dung across the water, then defends that line on land or underwater, no exceptions.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIt looks like a boulder with legs, all bulk and no hurry. On land it outpaces a sprinting man. Underwater it walks the riverbed on its toes, holding its breath for five minutes at a time. The ancient Egyptians carved it as Taweret, guardian of childbirth, said to stalk the riverbank by moonlight. This one just howls instead. Don't let the shape fool you.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Printify","offers":[{"title":"Pepper \/ S","offer_id":58748235284744,"sku":"32691758097763518896","price":54.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Pepper \/ M","offer_id":58748235317512,"sku":"27025464813112034897","price":54.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Pepper \/ L","offer_id":58748235350280,"sku":"12745291288758628409","price":54.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Pepper \/ XL","offer_id":58748235383048,"sku":"19182994922783037774","price":54.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Pepper \/ 2XL","offer_id":58748235415816,"sku":"73850618795798011297","price":54.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"Pepper \/ 3XL","offer_id":58748235448584,"sku":"23508914916229380138","price":54.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1056\/9288\/9352\/files\/875699262240828503_2048.jpg?v=1789660211"},{"product_id":"howling-hippo-tote","title":"Hippo - Tote bag","description":"\u003ch3\u003eAbout the garment\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis tote is 100% cotton canvas, printed to order. The design is applied straight onto the fabric, not patched or embroidered. Each one is printed one at a time.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e100% cotton canvas, in black\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eThe design is printed straight onto the bag, not patched or embroidered\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ePrinted one at a time, to order\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\u003ch3\u003eAbout the design\u003c\/h3\u003e\u003cp\u003eHippos kill more people in Africa each year than lions, crocodiles, or elephants combined. The jaw behind that yawn opens past 150 degrees, closing on curved ivory tusks built to shear, not chew.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThe body reads slow, a grey barrel wading in shallow water. It is not. A hippo can outrun a man on land and vanish underwater for minutes without a ripple. Ancient Egyptians carved it two ways: Taweret, protector of mothers, and Set, the destroyer, sometimes on the same wall. They say the moon still owes it a debt for guarding the riverbank at night. Underestimate this one and you will not get a warning.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Printify","offers":[{"title":"Black \/ 15\" x 16\"","offer_id":58748240232712,"sku":"27290701940904064100","price":14.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1056\/9288\/9352\/files\/14981994421913398722_2048.jpg?v=1789660235"}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1056\/9288\/9352\/collections\/hippo-collection-57e1f202.jpg?v=1789501045","url":"https:\/\/moonhowlers.store\/collections\/howling-hippo.oembed","provider":"Moon Howlers","version":"1.0","type":"link"}